One of Those Days
May 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
Happy Mother’s day..
I’m having one of those shitty days all of a sudden. Where I’m upset for no apparent reason. That’s the worst part, I have no legitimate reason to bitch, but I need to. I’m irritated, I’m confused, I’m mad. I’m lightheaded, sore, and hungry.
- I don’t know why I’m lightheaded. Dehydrated maybe? But it isn’t helping anything.
- I’m irritated because I have little to no patience. I’ve been trying to teach my friend to play WoW. I haven’t had to learn the baby steps in so long, I forget that not everyone knows them. And it makes teaching him to play very hard for me because I get impatient and don’t understand why he doesn’t get it. He’s doing a great job, and I’m just… pathetic.
- I’m confused because my ex, whom I still have feelings for, had a girl at his place last night. This is the first girl really since we broke up. I’m happy for him because I want him to have someone in his life, or at least not feel tied to me. I certainly have ‘moved on’ – in the sense that I have seen other people to a certain extent, and have feelings for someone else even now. But at the same time, I can’t just.. embrace this. My ex still means a lot to me, and I’d always thought maybe something would change and we could try again in the future. Any guy since him has.. just not been the same. Doesn’t know me like he does, love me the way he does. And my feelings, even if I feel like I’m in love, aren’t the same. The feelings are not overwhelming. Does this mean I’m not in love or does this mean that it is a different love? Am I over my ex? Is what I’m feeling normal or healthy? What if my ex is the one I got away? What if I didn’t realize what I had and now it’s gone? I don’t know. And it scares me. I’m starting to feel resentful toward him, because I don’t think my ex knows that I have these mixed feelings and that I haven’t had to deal with them before. And yes, it is awkward and disrespectful to talk to your ex online while there is a girl asleep in your bed.
- I’m trying to lose weight because I’m fat now. This means eating better, eating less, and exercising more. So I’m hungry from trying to eat less. I tried going running with my mom, just for a little bit to start, and I came back even more lightheaded, sobbing (what the fuck happened to endorphins), and sore. I’m angry because I trusted my mom with my feelings, with my worries, and asked for her help. Clearly this was a mistake. First thing she tries to do is take me on a run. I HATE running. Just running for the sake of running. It brings up bad childhood memories. But I decide I should try. Instead I’m crying. I would be insane to do something again that makes me cry. Fuck that. I come back and I’m sweating and winded – from a half a mile. All that did was to show me I’m fat, out of shape, and really pathetic.
I want to yell and bitch and throw things. And I have absolutely no good reason to.