September 3, 2012 § 1 Comment
June 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
Today I had a meltdown. Through disappointment, then the frustration and overwhelming sense of helplessness that has been in me for years, I lost my cool. In the course of maybe half an hour this happened – the events that caused these feelings. And any 3rd party would rightly say that I am overreacting tremendously. But there’s so much…. building up inside of me. I felt like cutting was the only thing I could control. So I cut myself. I’m feeling absolutely terrible. Pathetic, helpless, unworthy… just to start. What’s the fucking point… of anything.
May 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
Happy Mother’s day..
I’m having one of those shitty days all of a sudden. Where I’m upset for no apparent reason. That’s the worst part, I have no legitimate reason to bitch, but I need to. I’m irritated, I’m confused, I’m mad. I’m lightheaded, sore, and hungry.
- I don’t know why I’m lightheaded. Dehydrated maybe? But it isn’t helping anything.
- I’m irritated because I have little to no patience. I’ve been trying to teach my friend to play WoW. I haven’t had to learn the baby steps in so long, I forget that not everyone knows them. And it makes teaching him to play very hard for me because I get impatient and don’t understand why he doesn’t get it. He’s doing a great job, and I’m just… pathetic.
- I’m confused because my ex, whom I still have feelings for, had a girl at his place last night. This is the first girl really since we broke up. I’m happy for him because I want him to have someone in his life, or at least not feel tied to me. I certainly have ‘moved on’ – in the sense that I have seen other people to a certain extent, and have feelings for someone else even now. But at the same time, I can’t just.. embrace this. My ex still means a lot to me, and I’d always thought maybe something would change and we could try again in the future. Any guy since him has.. just not been the same. Doesn’t know me like he does, love me the way he does. And my feelings, even if I feel like I’m in love, aren’t the same. The feelings are not overwhelming. Does this mean I’m not in love or does this mean that it is a different love? Am I over my ex? Is what I’m feeling normal or healthy? What if my ex is the one I got away? What if I didn’t realize what I had and now it’s gone? I don’t know. And it scares me. I’m starting to feel resentful toward him, because I don’t think my ex knows that I have these mixed feelings and that I haven’t had to deal with them before. And yes, it is awkward and disrespectful to talk to your ex online while there is a girl asleep in your bed.
- I’m trying to lose weight because I’m fat now. This means eating better, eating less, and exercising more. So I’m hungry from trying to eat less. I tried going running with my mom, just for a little bit to start, and I came back even more lightheaded, sobbing (what the fuck happened to endorphins), and sore. I’m angry because I trusted my mom with my feelings, with my worries, and asked for her help. Clearly this was a mistake. First thing she tries to do is take me on a run. I HATE running. Just running for the sake of running. It brings up bad childhood memories. But I decide I should try. Instead I’m crying. I would be insane to do something again that makes me cry. Fuck that. I come back and I’m sweating and winded – from a half a mile. All that did was to show me I’m fat, out of shape, and really pathetic.
I want to yell and bitch and throw things. And I have absolutely no good reason to.
January 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
“First start at the very beginning…”
Of course now I have The Sound of Music and Julie Andrews’ amazing voice stuck in my head. Good job, Lauren. As if I needed another distraction!
The beginning. This will be the first post of a couple, seeing as I feel like I have much to update you all on, and I get annoyed with sticking it all in one post. That bit of knowledge is the prelude to the beginning. And now….
THE BEGINNING! Happy 2012 everyone! I’ve been remiss with my blog, and have not only left you all alone during my ENTIRE MONTH OFF, but have not even bothered to wish the few followers I have happy holidays and happy new year. I hope you all have been delightful children and have not only been good over your holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate this winter season). I also hope that you have all made your new year resolutions. Now – keep to them!
My holidays were lovely. Got to see family (nieces and nephews – including a 10 day old Myra!), and enjoy their company. Best present was my new Kindle Fire, which is entertaining me and saving money on books – including school books!
I must be honest with you guys, I am totally distracted by the Sound of Music, and I will have to come back to blogging when it is over! Talk to you later my darlings. 🙂
November 22, 2011 § Leave a comment
Technically my Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow at 4pm. However, due to a wonderfully timed conference for religion scholars located in Santa Fe, New Mexico, my one class that takes place tomorrow (Tuesday) has been cancelled! So instead of doing nothing all day until my 2:30-3:50pm Global Christianity class, I got to go home today when my Intermediate Photography class ended at 4pm! Four-ish hours may not be long to those who must travel seven or eight hours to get home, but you know, it is a lot for me. I sang for almost that entire time! Wicked, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (twice), and Classic Disney Volume 4 (or maybe it was Volume 1.. I can’t remember which number). Anyway, it was quite a drive. But now I am happily home with my parents and my four beloved cats – Feisty, Batman, Bella, and Byron! Feisty and I are cuddling now in my bed as I write this and prepare for some lovely sleep.
This Thanksgiving break I will be getting a wisdom tooth out (tomorrow at 9am as it happens), hopefully going to see a few movies, and with luck I’ll see a few friends as well! Thanksgiving itself will likely be small: it will be just my parents and I. Who knows if I’ll even get to really enjoy that turkey! Gah! I’m not big on a lot of Thanksgiving food, but for the foods I do like… If they’re sitting in front of me and I can’t eat them I’m gonna be pretty ticked off!
Dressage! We had our second dressage show this last weekend. I rode Rocky, a little Appaloosa guy… I thought he was going to go alright, until I found out he had a lot less go than I expected. I found myself resorting to giving him a good smack with the whip in my test (instead of using any vocal cues, for which I would be penalized), and he kicked right in front of the judge! In spite of this, I managed to get 4th of 9! Of course I’m not sure how I was lucky enough for this to happen, but I’m not complaining! 🙂 As a team, Wooster got 6th of 9. Not perfect, but it wasn’t too bad. 🙂 I really enjoy Dressage where I can show off more of what I can do, and there is more focus on the individual horse and rider, rather than a Hunt Seat show where you can get lost in the crowd. Besides, Dressage is more like Saddleseat, which I’m good at and have been doing most of my life! Haha…
NANOWRIMO! Of course I can’t forget Nano. I’m now closing in on 39k words. 38,827 words to be precise. 😀 I think this is a miracle, honestly. I can’t believe I’ve written this much. Keep wishing me luck on meeting the 50k goal by end of November 30th! I’m feeling pretty confident, and I’m trying to stay a few days ahead when it comes to word count, but I’m always worried something is going to happen and I’ll get behind. If I can finish a few days early, though, I’m going to be feeling flippin’ fantastic. (Say that 5 times fast!)
Anyway.. this was just a general update. Hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!